I have just returned from Seattle – a long weekend visit with our youngest son whom we hadn’t seen in a year and a half. We had a marvelous time – our first visit to the area – and spent lots of quality time with a very special person. I came home utterly exhausted, or as my daughter the Brit might say, ‘shattered’.
And that British term seems to suit me better than any other at this moment. It’s not as if we were rushing around trying to see and do everything possible within our short visit because it was more about our son than sightseeing, so how to explain the fact that I have slept 13 hours of the last 24?
We did take the red eye from Seattle, leaving at 12:20 am yesterday, so yes that’s part of it, but I did sleep a bit on the plane (and didn’t even count that in the 13 hrs). Most likely, it’s the overwhelming anxiety I have come home to.
I’m so elated about my new studio situation, even though it was SO not the right time to start this. But the opportunity was there at that time, so I knew I could either grab the ring or sit at home and feel sorry for myself for letting it go. Maybe there would be another opportunity come up at a better time, and maybe not. So I grabbed.
But this is not a situation where I can just go to the studio and indulge myself in the environment. I have to make it self-sustaining. And I’m terrified.
I know the potential is there – I just don’t know whether or not I have the ability to make it happen. Although, I think the point is less that I have no faith in myself, than that I have little faith in myself to make it happen as quickly as I need it to. I’m a big believer in the “never give up” philosophy – it has been the reason why I have an art career at all. I simply refused to quit, even when it seemed pointless. But it feels as if the stakes are higher here. If I simply filled the house with art that no one else wanted, so what?
I ran across this quote from Hugh Laurie this morning, and it felt like he was speaking directly to me. As silly as that sounds, whatever small comfort I derive from that will help.
“It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There's almost no such thing as ready. There's only now. And you may as well do it now. I mean, I say that confidently as if I'm about to go bungee jumping or something - I'm not. I'm not a crazed risk taker. But I do think that, generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”I have an artist friend who said something very similar a couple of weeks ago – “The time is never right, the time is NOW”. Thank you, Nancy Jane.
I guess all I can do is to keep feeding myself these little nuggets of wisdom and hope that they are sufficient nourishment until I can see evidence that my efforts are paying off. In the meantime…one foot in front of the other is my mantra.